tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
