We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
