What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
