i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
