You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
