You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
organizing the empties. That sober.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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