I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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