You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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