I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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