not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
