So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize