I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
