well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
