Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
