my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
