i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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