I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
