I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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