Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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