I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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