Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
