I wish my penis had an off switch
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
