Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
