dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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