i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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