ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
