I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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