i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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