I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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