I molested 6 butterflies tonight
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
