hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
