Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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