Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
That was before I lit my hair on fire
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
