she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
