Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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