I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I don't think brook has ever known best
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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