I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
