my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
