Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
