just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
