Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
