It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He better not be in your backpack
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
