If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
