I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
