Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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