Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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