did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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