you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
