I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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