she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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