Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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