K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
