kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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